Sticks

Ye see a lot mair folk gaun aboot wi sticks nooadays. Ken whit that’s aboot? They’ve been tellt. Get yersel a stick, man. Aye, get yersel a stick. Makes ye look mair disabled. Get yersel twa. No that ye huv tae use them aw the time; I mean, as soon as ye get in the door ye can jist chuck them, eh? As soon as naebody’s lookin. It’s no like ye huv tae use a stick tae sit on yer erse aw day. Jist be shair and take yer sticks wi ye when ye’re gaun oot. If it’s a hassle takin twa sticks jist take the wan, so ye can cairry yer messages in yer ither haun. Yer pizzas and bevvy and fags and everythin else ye can buy wi the money they gie ye for haein a stick.

Ye can get a stick aff the NHS, it’s no like ye huv tae pey for it. But it’s a guid investment, haein yer ain stick, so when ye go tae the doactor ye can say, ‘Oh, I couldnae wait for a Health Service stick I wis in that much pain, I had tae crawl doon tae the charity shoap and get this yin.’

D’ye wear glesses? Take them aff and get yersel a white stick. That’s goat tae be guid for a few extra quid. And hirple,* man, hirple. I mean, disnae maitter whit colour it is, there’s nae point haein a stick if ye’re no gonnae hirple. Defeats the object o the exercise. No that ye’re takin ony exercise, but ye ken whit I’m sayin? Get yersel a stick and a hirple, man, and ye’ll be fine.

That’s whit folk huv been tellt. The word’s got aroond. D’ye think they dinnae speak tae each ither?D’ye think they dinnae share information? How else dae ye think there’s thoosans o them gaun aboot wi sticks?

Ken whit the government should dae? Aw thae skivers wi sticks? They should line them aw up and kick their sticks awa. The wans that dinnae faw ower, stoap their benefit. That’d sort the wasters oot. That’d pit their gas at a peep. That’d gie them somethin tae greet aboot.