The Scottish Apology

‘It wisnae me. I wis jist mindin ma ain business at the back o the shoap. In fact I wisnae even in the shoap. I wis oot. I wis speakin metaphorically when I said that. Because it isnae a shoap, is it? It’s a great big organisation. A national institution. So I couldnae hae been at the back o the shoap because that widnae be true, and I’m no a liar. So when I say I wis oot, I wis. Swear tae God. And when I say it wisnae me, it wisnae.

‘I didnae ask tae be the heidbummer. I wis jist mindin ma ain business at the back o the shoap when sumbdy tellt me tae go tae the front o the shoap, so I went. I’d never went there afore. When I say the front o the shoap I’m speakin metaphorically again. Ye can dae that when ye’re the heidbummer. Actually I went up in the lift tae the tap flair and there wis this room wi big windaes and squishy chairs and a drinks cabinet. And they said if I wis heidbummer I wid get tae sit in the squishy chairs lookin oot the windaes and I could drink the bevvy for free. Well, ye’d need tae be stupit no tae say yes tae that, widn’t ye? So I said yes. But that’s aw I did, said yes and sat in the squishy chairs and had a wee bevvy, and efter that I went oot. So it wisnae me.

‘Naw, I dinnae ken wha it wis. I didnae see nuthin. It might hae been the boy that wis in afore me. Ye better ask him. He might ken somethin. I dinnae. I wis jist mindin the shoap till sumbdy else came. But I wisnae really, coz I wis oot.

‘I saw some big boys earlier, runnin doon the street. I think it wis mibbe them. Naw, I didnae see their faces. And there’s nae point gettin the polis. They’ll be miles awa by noo.

‘Zat it? I’ll jist slip oot the back then. Sumbdy else’ll be alang soon.

‘Noo there’s an idea. It might hae been them.

‘But it definately wisnae me.’