Jack Seeks a Wife

‘Jack, I’m aye runnin efter ye and I’ve had enough,’ his mother said. ‘Away and find yersel a wife.’

‘Och, Mither,’ Jack said. ‘I could never get a wife that would look efter me like you.’

‘Nae doot,’ she said, ‘but ye’ll need tae try. Whit ye need’s a wife that can spin, and that’ll dae ye.’

So Jack goes out and he finds a spider spinning a beautiful web, so he catches the beastie and brings it home. ‘Mither,’ he says, ‘I’ve found masel a wife, the finest spinner I ever saw. Will she dae?’

‘Jack,’ she says, ‘she can spin but she canna gie ye yer breakfast every mornin. She’ll no dae.’

So he goes out and he sees a hen that belongs to his neighbour. ‘Can I borrow yer hen?’ he says. ‘I’ve a notion tae marry her, tae please ma mither.’ ‘Aye, on ye go, Jack, ye daft bastard,’ the neighbour sighs. So Jack takes the hen home. ‘Mither,’ he says, ‘I’ve found masel a wife that’ll gie me a egg for ma breakfast every mornin. Will she dae?’

‘Jack,’ she says, ‘she can gie ye a egg every mornin but she canna gie ye a blanket for yer bed. She’ll no dae.’
So he goes out and takes a sheep off the hill and brings it home. ‘Mither,’ he says, ‘I’ve found masel a wife that’ll gie me a blanket for ma bed. Will she dae?’

Just then the laird’s man comes to the door. ‘Jack’s been stealin,’ he says. ‘He’s taen a yowe aff the hill and I’m here tae arrest him.’

‘Jack, steal a yowe?’ says his mither. ‘Dinna tell such lies. They’ve been courtin, that’s all, but she’s no guid enough for him, so ye can hae her back.’

Well, the laird’s man doesn’t fancy taking on Jack’s mother, so he grabs the beast and hurries away.

‘Mither,’ Jack says, ‘I’ve tried and tried, but I canna seem tae please ye. I doot I’ll just need tae stay single.’

‘Jack,’ she says, ‘ye’re right. If ye took a wife she might gie ye a bairn, and there isna room in this world for anither eejit like you.’