Our Main Stories Again

Now here are our main stories again, and I should warn you that some of these are accompanied by flashes of inconsequence:

Latest opinion polls indicate that if a General Election were held tomorrow the result would be a coalition between Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor. Politicians from all parties welcomed the findings, saying they were encouraged that so many people were having fun while engaging in the electoral process. The government is considering lowering the minimum voting age to three, or doing away with it altogether.

More than ten million viewers are expected to watch the next series of Dr Who when it appears on the nation’s television screens, to find out if anything interesting happens when one doctor is transformed into another. The world-famous time-travelling medic is not a real doctor, which may surprise some viewers.

It has emerged that while some people find twerking, the sexually provocative form of dancing which involves thrusting, bending and squatting movements, distasteful and demeaning to women, other people don’t.

The retail sector has received a welcome boost, with plenty of crap in the shops and plenty of customers willing to buy it. Some shoppers are so keen to snap up bargains that they have queued overnight in order to have the best chance of being interviewed on this programme about queuing overnight for the bargains they hope to snap up.

Millions of people are desperate to know how Sherlock Holmes survived after leaping off a roof at the end of the last series of Sherlock. The world-famous detective is not a real detective, which may surprise some viewers.

The arms trade, state surveillance, environmental destruction, global inequalities, even a serious story or two about culture? Naaah.

And news just in, our top story is . . .

Well, we thought it was going to be the one about voting intentions but overwhelmingly you have texted and tweeted us to say that it was too complicated so it has been dismissed from the show by our expert panel of judges, and the winning story tonight is . . .

. . . the one about twerking!

Congratulations, twerkers everywhere. And remember, you can’t fool all of the people all of the time. Good night.